Why I will never spank my daughter

My daughter, Lý, and I, playing outside a couple of days ago.

Just read this.

It's an article about the Pearls, Michael and Debi, who run a sizeable ministry called No Greater Joy, teaching parents how to, to quote the title of their 1,4 million copies sold most famous publication, train up a child. For the child-training they recommend a plumbing line, a sort of PVC pipe, that should leave the child in a "wounded, submissive whimper" and "without breath to complain." This to teach the child who's in control and not to be questioned. The Pearls recommend keeping a plumbing line in every room and even one around the neck to remind the child of that message. I'm not personally familiar with the message of the Pearls, but I assume that this is it at its most extreme. It can't all be that crazy. Nevertheless, only a little bit of crazy was enough: Two children are now dead. 4-year-old Sean Paddock, was wrapped in blankets until he suffocated, and 7-year-old Lydia Schatz, beat with the plumbing line to such a degree that it caused tissue breakdown so massive that her vital organs could no longer function. The article documents how these cases have created a backlash within the conservative Christian community. Secular liberals (or Christian ones, as yours truly) have been against this stuff for a long time, but conservative Christians haven't, so this is a good and welcomed development. Read it. It's a good article.

Brand new Lý

Almost a year and a half ago, I became a father. My wife Malan gave birth to a healthy, big girl just after 7 o'clock on the evening of October 28th 2008. The magnitude of the thing only dawned on me after a long while and in some ways I'm still in the process of realising just how important a change my daughter has been, is and will be for me. We decided to name her Lý, a Faroese name meaning "light". There's no person in my life as important to me as she is. She shines a whole new light on my life, completely reorienting it. I now live for her. My main goal in life is to provide the best environment for her flourishing that I can.

These aren't revelations, I know. Every parent, if sane, feels exactly like this. But I feel like telling you this, if for no other reason to establish the fact that I am not insane.

Being a parent means thinking through, with your partner if you have one, how best to raise your child. Among the questions a parent needs to answer is the question of discipline. Lý is still little and isn't defiant to any significant degree, so the question hasn't become pressing yet. But regarding spaking, I've reached a  conclusion.

I will never spank my daughter. Nor will I ever encourage people do so with their own child.

I come at this from an ambiguous place. My parents spanked me when I was little. And by my humble estimate I was not in any way damaged by it. There was no excess. Whenever it happened, I knew I had done something really wrong. My mother tells a story about me and my brother, who is a year and a half younger than me, going through a phase where we bit each other all the time. We had bite marks all over our bodies. One time, when we had one of our bite fights, she and my father took one of us each and reportedly spanked us so thoroughly that we never bit each other again. So I guess it works. Or worked. So I can't condemn spanking unequivocally. There are many, my parents among them, who successfully incorporate spanking in child-raising.

Yet, there is the shadow side, as illustrated in the above article and in countless other stories. There is, it seems, a thin line between spanking and violence. For some, at least. Spanking can be a way of teaching a child what is right and what is wrong, thus ultimately being constructive, beneficial and good. But spanking can also be very harmful. So my conclusion is this:

I cannot support, however tacitly, a practice that can harm a child.

Taken by my friend Beinta á Torkilsheyggi, summer 2009.

And by harm, I'm not only referring to physical harm, the extreme of which the article above talks of. I'm also referring to psychological and emotional harm. If a parent crosses the line while spanking, he or she violates the trust and love the child has towards its parents. Suddenly, the parent is not a source of nurture, but of harm. The confusion and pain that such a situation creates can scar a child for life. I'm not saying that this will inevitably happen. But some parents are weak and lack self-control, especially in situations of stress, situations where discipline typically is relevant. They might not know it, but they are capable of crossing the line. Even if they cross it only one percent of the time, the ninety nine percent are not worth it. Rather not spank at all, than to spank harmfully one percent of the time.

Then there's the spiritual damage crossing the line can bring about. Those of us that are raising our children in the faith have a special responsibility. We are, in effect, modelling God in the life of our child. This resonates especially with me as a father. How do I, as a father, reflect the heavenly Father in my parenting? God is not violent and I don't want to damage my daughter's understanding of him by portraying him as such. To do that would be to directly contradict Jesus when he says, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Luke 19:14)

Again, it would be dishonest of me, based on my personal experience, to say that all spanking is harmful or that spanking inevitably leads to violence. But is and does so in many cases. And, I think, by supporting the practice, even hypothetically, not to mention practically, one is supporting indirectly that harmful violence towards children. It may do and does good, yes, but I think for a manner of reasons that the violence it sometimes leads to is, because it's against a child, so horrendous, that the good is simply not worth it.